Brilliant, Bold and Beautiful, these are the three major B’s that perfectly describe my Grandma.

My grandma was not a sweet or affectionate woman; she was fearless and always handled her children with tough love. Hugging, kissing or telling each other I love you was never our thing. We were all aloof with one another; just imagine a whole family of introverts. I should know because I grew up under her care and supervision. She was one tough cookie and my grandpa was the opposite and they did their best to provide for me when my father was basically absent my whole life. It was never my intention to take all of these things for granted but being the young girl that I was, I never understood the logic that I should appreciate and be contented with what they are giving me rather than seek for what was never there. I started to rebel and I became the biggest pain their asses, my grandpa always handled me with compassion but my grandma obviously didn’t take any of my bullshit.

My grandma always nagged and I felt like I never did anything right. She kept asking me why I was throwing my life away. I couldn’t give her any answer. What was I supposed to say? I was just having fun, how can that be considered as “throwing my life away”? That became an everyday thing in our household that I always dreaded going home after class. I became a bigger headache and going home almost seemed like going to hell. This drama went on and on until I went to college, she became even more overprotective that she locked me inside the house for the whole summer when she found out I had a boyfriend. I endured that until I got out of school when I was 19; I found a job and the nagging eventually died down but I thought to myself, I’ve got a job now so if something happened that I didn’t like, I’m going to run away and I did.

Fast forward 5 years, my grandma was calling me and I didn’t answer because I was out of town because I was grabbing an opportunity of a lifetime. It was my dream job plus I wasn’t in the mood to take any nagging and I ignored it. She called and called but I never picked up. At 6pm that same day, I got a text from my aunt telling me that my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer and she only had 6 months to live. I had to pack my bags, leave that dream and go home to spend the last few months with her. I never took care of her but there were times that I accompanied her to sleep while I slept on a mattress on the floor. I didn’t mind, what’s this compared to what she has done for me? She still wouldn’t stop her habit of nagging from time to time but I just let her vent if it would make her feel better. During the next months, our family became closer. Our bond must’ve been her reason to keep fighting that she lived another year. We were all relieved when the doctor said her tumor shrunk and we thought that if we fought more, she’ll survive. But as we all know, cancer is a treacherous disease and after a couple of months, she got weaker than before. Her hair started to fall and she didn’t have any appetite at all. I couldn’t handle it, I started to lock myself and hide inside my room instead of staying beside her. I never showed up nor accompanied her to sleep and what struck me most was the time that she collapsed while taking a piss and I just stood there frozen. After that incident, she fought even more and she tried to prove to everyone that she was fine. I admire her strong will, and I kept convincing myself she’ll be okay but her body was too weak and a few weeks later, she died.

It’s been 15 months since she passed away, I could still remember myself blubbering while reading my eulogy. Looking back at the times that she nagged at me, I wish that I was smart enough to realize and understand that it was her way of showing me that she cared and she loved me. I thought she was just a mean old lady who nagged a lot but I was proven wrong during her wake. A lot of people were there, her friends sharing their funny stories about my grandma’s funny antics when she was alive, stories of how she showed strength in the midst of frailty, and some people whom she helped when they had nothing. I was touched by their presence and gratefulness; it was heart-warming to know my grandma was a very generous person even though she had an odd way of showing that she cares.

One of the things that I regret was not that time I gave up on my dream, but rather it was the fact that I was not successful enough while she was still alive. I had dreams for her and my grandpa, I wanted them to go on a cruise and travel the world together but in pursuing my passion, I can only do so much. From then on, I told myself that for every little thing that I do and every decision I make, it will be in service of her. One day when I become successful, I will offer and dedicate my success to my grandparents especially my grandma.

If heaven would give me 30 seconds with my grandma, I wouldn’t say much but I would do the one thing that I’ve never done. I’d hug her really really tight and tell her:  You are amazing, I love you mang.