The most difficult task to do when writing is to come up with a strong introduction that could catch your reader's attention and hold it to the very end of your piece. Writing is hard but that's not why I'm writing this blog.... wait. Why am I writing this blog anyway?

Oh yea.

I've spent some time thinking and it made me realize how much I have changed and grown over the years. I came to remember the mindless mistakes in the past to the wisest decisions that I've made in the present. It's both amusing and amazing at the same time, gathering a variation of reactions from "what the fuck was I thinking?" to "wow. did I really come up with that?". Nevertheless, I may have changed a lot, grown a bit and have gained emotional maturity... There are still some things about me that haven't really gone away... and I resent it.

My confidence is unstable. One day, I feel pretty and the next thing I know, I feel ugly again. You know how much that sucks? But I can easily fix that. What I resent the most about myself is that, I'm the jealous type. Sure, there's a certain level of jealousy where it's cute, but mine just isn't that even I am displeased with myself. Imagine that.

Let me explain where I am coming from. I am a woman, I fell in love and now I get jealous of my boyfriend's past lovers. It's useless and annoying, but you know that feeling when you're jealous because they had him first before you did? They loved him first and he had feelings for each of them for a certain period of time? Sometimes, I even wonder... he's such a great guy, why leave him? Why hurt him? Are they stupid or something? Did they think they were too good for him? Them ugly sluts! Pardon my french.

I'd like to think they're fat and ugly, but for some playful reason the universe showed me they weren't.There was one who was really pretty, then I wonder "how do I stack up to that? I look like dirty rug compared to her" but I would at least assume she's a hoe bag. I have not yet seen anyone ugly though, but what if he did date someone who wasn't physically attractive? I might flip and start to wonder what if he only dates unattractive girls? Am I unattractive? Jeez.There was a cute one, I was hoping she was dumb but she wasn't and she had a great personality. Honestly, most of them had things in common with me but I felt like they were being a better ME than I am.

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep comparing myself to them? It's long been over. These pointless apprehensions bother me a lot when it shouldn't....

I am not ugly, but I am not a beauty queen either. There is something special in me and heck, I'm a damn good lover! I love my boyfriend and maybe this, what I'm feeling is just a validation of how emotionally invested I am in the relationship. We've been together for a year and it doesn't make any sense and it's a total waste of to still keep obsessing over these silly things.

I know what to do and after this, I promise to become a better lover than ever.

This may not be the best entry I have written, but I just needed to get this off my chest. And I also wanna tell myself to stop this nonsense. JUST STOP.

Tick-tock goes the clock....  this madness needs to stop.