Brilliant, Bold and Beautiful, these are the three major
B’s that perfectly describe my Grandma.
My grandma was not a sweet or affectionate woman; she was fearless and always
handled her children with tough love. Hugging, kissing or telling each other I
love you was never our thing. We were all aloof with one another; just imagine
a whole family of introverts. I should know because I grew up under her care
and supervision. She was one tough cookie and my grandpa was the opposite and they
did their best to provide for me when my father was basically absent my whole
life. It was never my intention to take all of these things for granted but
being the young girl that I was, I never understood the logic that I should appreciate
and be contented with what they are giving me rather than seek for what was
never there. I started to rebel and I became the biggest pain their asses, my
grandpa always handled me with compassion but my grandma obviously didn’t take
any of my bullshit.
My grandma always nagged and I felt like I never did anything right. She kept
asking me why I was throwing my life away. I couldn’t give her any answer. What
was I supposed to say? I was just having fun, how can that be considered as
“throwing my life away”? That became an everyday thing in our household that I
always dreaded going home after class. I became a bigger headache and going
home almost seemed like going to hell. This drama went on and on until I went
to college, she became even more overprotective that she locked me inside the
house for the whole summer when she found out I had a boyfriend. I endured that
until I got out of school when I was 19; I found a job and the nagging
eventually died down but I thought to myself, I’ve got a job now so if
something happened that I didn’t like, I’m going to run away and I did.
Fast forward 5 years, my grandma was calling me and I didn’t
answer because I was out of town because I was grabbing an opportunity of a
lifetime. It was my dream job plus I wasn’t in the mood to take any nagging and
I ignored it. She called and called but I never picked up. At 6pm that same
day, I got a text from my aunt telling me that my grandma was diagnosed with
lung cancer and she only had 6 months to live. I had to pack my bags, leave
that dream and go home to spend the last few months with her. I never took care
of her but there were times that I accompanied her to sleep while I slept on a
mattress on the floor. I didn’t mind, what’s this compared to what she has done
for me? She still wouldn’t stop her habit of nagging from time to time but I just
let her vent if it would make her feel better. During the next months, our
family became closer. Our bond must’ve been her reason to keep fighting that
she lived another year. We were all relieved when the doctor said her tumor
shrunk and we thought that if we fought more, she’ll survive. But as we all
know, cancer is a treacherous disease and after a couple of months, she got
weaker than before. Her hair started to fall and she didn’t have any appetite
at all. I couldn’t handle it, I started to lock myself and hide inside my room
instead of staying beside her. I never showed up nor accompanied her to sleep
and what struck me most was the time that she collapsed while taking a piss and
I just stood there frozen. After that incident, she fought even more and she
tried to prove to everyone that she was fine. I admire her strong will, and I
kept convincing myself she’ll be okay but her body was too weak and a few weeks
later, she died.
It’s been 15 months since she passed away, I could still
remember myself blubbering while reading my eulogy. Looking back at the times
that she nagged at me, I wish that I was smart enough to realize and understand
that it was her way of showing me that she cared and she loved me. I thought
she was just a mean old lady who nagged a lot but I was proven wrong during her
wake. A lot of people were there, her friends sharing their funny stories about
my grandma’s funny antics when she was alive, stories of how she showed
strength in the midst of frailty, and some people whom she helped when they had
nothing. I was touched by their presence and gratefulness; it was heart-warming
to know my grandma was a very generous person even though she had an odd way of
showing that she cares.
One of the things that I regret was not that time I gave up on my dream, but rather
it was the fact that I was not successful enough while she was still alive. I
had dreams for her and my grandpa, I wanted them to go on a cruise and travel
the world together but in pursuing my passion, I can only do so much. From then
on, I told myself that for every little thing that I do and every decision I
make, it will be in service of her. One day when I become successful, I will
offer and dedicate my success to my grandparents especially my grandma.
If heaven would give me 30 seconds with my grandma, I wouldn’t say much but I
would do the one thing that I’ve never done. I’d hug her really really tight
and tell her:You are amazing, I love
you mang.
I was kind of having a bad day when I found out my eyeliner ran out. I failed to put the cap on properly the last time I used it and it just spilled all over my bag. I thought the whole day was going to be a huge bummer so I decided to prepare for the gym. While preparing, I realized my gym clothes that I hung outside to get dried off were still wet and that's the second bummer of the day. THANKS RAIN!
There was nothing I could do but unpack my things and just return to my regular routine. Did a little work, played games on my phone, read a few articles and watch movies. I realized, I have this strong urge to write but I didn't know what. I've been having a mental diarrhea lately and it's not really helping me. There are so many ideas that keep rushing in and out of my head that I do not know which one to grasp. I don't know how to start it so I went on facebook to visit my favorite pages like thought catalogue, hufftingtonpost, and elite daily to see if I can find anything to spark my interest.
As I was scrolling down, I suddenly felt this compulsion to send a random message to an acquaintance whom I've seen only once. I asked her how she was, her messages were short and friendly but I knew something was up.. After a few silly exchanges, she suddenly poured her heart out to me and I consoled her with my words of wisdom. I knew what she was going through because I've been there. It wasn't that hard to relate to her since nobody was there for me at that time and she felt the same. During the rough and dark moments I had in my life, I promised myself that if I ever get through this I will never let anybody feel the same thing or go through the same shit as I did. Other people never appreciated that, but there were a handful who appreciated the things that I did for them and for me that was more than enough.
As our conversation reached its end, she thanked me endlessly. To me, what I did was nothing but to her, it was everything. She told me how she wanted to cut herself that day until all the pain would go away but according to her, I saved her. I guess my point here is this, all of us have the ability to change someone's life, to save it in our own simple ways. May it be a smile, little time to give a shit and listen, a pat on the back or just your mere presence can mean a lot to someone who is in need. Sure, we won't get a holiday nor a street dedicated or named after us, our faces won't be included on the thousand peso bill or even have a monument built showcasing our incredible stature and physique but is it really about that?
We may not realize this but we were born to be heroes in our own ways. We don't have wings but we can be someone's angel. We are not God but we can be saviors, too. Let us not belittle or forget what we can do to ourselves and for other people, we may think we are just plain and ordinary but the compassion and love we have in our hearts make us superheroes.
If anybody who knew me and how I was before would be able to read this, they'd probably say I'm full of shit. It doesn't matter now, does it? Because today, I saved a life... now ask yourself, have you?
I woke up this morning to take a leak and I couldn't go back to sleep. My number one go to alternative to get some snooze is to read. Reading is addictive for me, I can never go a day without reading. So, I found this write up online about reasons why they left their significant others and the stories were pretty cray, like literally. It kind of reminded me how cray cray I was in the past myself.
I've stumbled on a few acquaintances, they all seemed pretty cold and I could smell their fear. I didn't quite get that til I had to take a trip back down memory lane and remembered how awful of a human being I was. I will never deny that because I have long accepted that monstrous side of myself that even my other half knows all about it and still wholly accepted me. I have already buried it along with all the unspeakable things that I have done to anybody ever close to me. I find it a bit disappointing that some people only focus on what I have done wrong in the past without even realizing that I, just like any other person, can change and impossible as it may seem, for the better.
It's probably safe to say that most people are natural butthurt sadists that take pleasure in talking shit of other people or feasting on the dirt one has, they love tearing other people down prolly because they are also torn down deep inside. I should know, I've been there and I've done that. I've got a lot of things that I am not proud of that even I, myself would not want to be my friend if I found out. I guess I can expect these people to pass the news on to their friends, warn them about me and even exaggerated the scenarios but all I can say is, girls act crazy because the guy they are dating sends them mixed signals, and the guy himself is a little crazy. Seriously though, what people say behind my back, what they say about how i was in the past and how they assume I still am as of today is something that shouldn't bother me at all. Wondering about it is inevitable, but a thought came to me and this is what should matter.. those who behave sensibly is my tailor and besides, i live by these words:
“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” -George Bernard Shaw
I have already forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made, some understood me while others just shut me off. As a grown woman, I am thankful for all these people whom I have crossed paths with. Whether they continue to be friends with me or not, they both continue to serve as lessons and opportunities for personal growth. I know in myself, I am no longer that crazy girl because I have grown to be a more intellectually, emotionally and spiritually mature woman. There's a good chance that she's still sleeping in me, I might wake her up or have a few slip ups every now and then yet I am making it my mission to make up for the people that I've wronged. Make amends with them, if they don't let me in... it's alright. I won't let that stop me from being kinder and gentler to the people who will come along my way.
I consider myself fortunate because not every person can have the same awakening that I have, they always take it the wrong way because it was delivered with a peculiar twist or they refuse to acknowledge this gift of wisdom because they are too naive as to how much it could improve the quality of your life.
I want to be good because I want to feel that I deserve all the good things that are coming my way. I want to be good and to my love, Chris, thank you for inspiring me to do good. You make me good. I love you.
and to my cousin, Dianne Dawn pangit, please do not share this on FB again!! hahaha...i love you!! ^_^
Okay, let me start off by saying... I am still mourning over the fact that How I Met Your Mother has already ended. I want to say I am the biggest fan of this show but obviously, I'm not the only one. While others hated the ending, as a writer, I appreciate and admire how they wrote it and how they were able to stick to the elements since the beginning of the show.
How I Met Your Mother is one show that has made a huge impact in my life and it is one big part of it. Isn't it a weird thing to say? It's like saying that I have built my whole world around this show. Of course not, but then again, we all know deep in our hearts that most of the pain felt and experienced by the characters are real. Real, simply because those things can also happen in real life. The characters may be fictional, the setting, but somewhere deep inside me i knew that the experiences were not. Our minds refuse to acknowledge that because those painful experiences are so hard to deal with in real life but it's true, IT'S ALL REAL. For all I know, the creators and writers wrote their own personal experiences on there too. Back me up here Carter Bays, Craig Thomas and Pam Fryman. HAHA.
Anyway... let me just give you a little back story.
The show started 9 years ago, I was 16 at that time but I never heard of it since I was busy dealing with puberty and growing up plus the first boyfriend. I only started watching it when I was 22, I was bored, lost, unemployed, single and heartbroken because my lover of 6 years broke up with me. I woke up every morning feeling empty, not knowing what to feel and what to think. I would walk all day in the streets, staring into nothingness and asking myself, "what the hell am I doing?" then I stumbled on this old guy selling pirated DVDs of How I Met Your Mother. I didn't have any idea what this show was about but I told myself, "who cares what this show is? your life is over... just watch it to keep you busy." So I bought all 5 seasons not knowing it would leave a mark in my life. (yes I bought pirated DVDs, I know it's some sort of theft. Come on, I was heartbroken at that time..Just...okay?)
I went home, loaded it on the dvd player and I started watching. For the first time in what felt like ages, I laughed. I continued to watch it til I reached the 5th and last season in my hands since season 6 wasn't available at that time yet. Even though my DVD collection was still incomplete, the show helped me cope somehow. It was my ally during the darkest moments in my life, it was the cause of my happiness and the characters were too lovable that they were able to touch my heart with their stories of love and friendship, but mostly about friendship.
Writers are tricky, sometimes you don't know who these characters were based from. It could be about someone they knew in the past, about their parents, siblings or sometimes, even about themselves.. Some part of them that they cannot fully express. In this case, I would say these characters were relatable. Basically, the characters can be compared with the stages you go through or happen to you after a break up until you become emotionally mature and ready for a relationship again. Let me expound that by relating experiences to it..
Robin Scherbatsky (commitment phobe stage) - as we all know, Robin was elusive and aloof at the beginning. She wasn't into serious relationships and the moment a relationship or guy showed some potential or intention of wanting to get serious, she'd flip and unconsciously, if not, indirectly push her lover away. In other words, she was a commitment-phobe. As I mentioned earlier, I was going through a rough time after the break up. In my first year of being single... I stopped believing in love and commitments. I had no idea what I was doing, I don't know what people do when they're single. Whenever I met someone, I would entertain them out of being polite but I never wanted to commit. I did not want to love. Period.
when I feel like it's about to get serious. I disappear or do something that would eventually turn them off. Before all this I've always wondered what's up with these people who are afraid of commitments? It took me a while to realize that I have become whom I thought I would never become, a commitment phobe.
Barney Stinson (commitment phobe/player stage) - Barney, Barney, Barney. The most awesome of all the characters in the show. He had a lot of theories for dating, picking up women and getting rid of them in a snap. This is the stage where you learn how to work around your phobia of commitment but you keep pursuing the opposite sex through seduction and flirtation though you never really go any farther than that. It's the same thing as playing with fire, you know how you don't want to get burned yet you keep pouring fuel over the fire that eventually it'll get bigger and you get caught up in it! So, he had a lot of theories that I have proven to work, the "you don't call first not until after 3 days", "the hot/crazy scale", "the crazy eyes" (yes, guys have that too) or "the platinum rule" etc. They were fun especially when your prospect starts to take the bait, you tease them and make them eat on the palm of your hands. But that's all there is to it, and nothing more. I'm not saying I'm proud of it but for the purpose of proving my point, during my second year of being single... It was that stage where I went through my Barney phase. Teasing people, making them want me so bad and just when they think they can close the deal with me, I drop them like hot potato. It was fun in the beginning, it has always been about fun i kept convincing myself that every conquest was legendary but at the end of the day, just like Barney... I always went home alone and the games still didn't change the fact that I was... Wait for it.... sad and lonely. Sad because I had no one to love and lonely because nobody loved me back.
Ted Mosby (hopeless romantic phase) - Ted was the most romantic of them all, his head was always over the clouds thinking of the next best thing that he could do to sweep his special someone off her feet. He was the natural lover and he was always eager to commit to every girl he fell in love with only to get his heart broken at the end. My Ted phase came in the third year of me being single. I already told myself... "I am tired of all the games, I was born a lover not a player (although I think it was naturally in my blood. anyway!), I finally found the courage to admit to myself, it's time to find someone to love.. So I joined this dating site online, I've met a lot of westerners who had the potential "physically" but attitude, personality and intelligence wise... They never impressed me. I was eager to offer my commitment, but unlike Ted, I don't easily jump the gun... I think first and think hard til I asked myself, maybe I just think "I'm ready" but I'm not. Tho am I? really?
I took a little break from all that crap, I did a reevaluation and a took a good hard look at
myself, my goals and my priorities. I had to get them all in line because I wanted to know for sure that before I throw myself back out there, I was ready and I wasn't just desperate like Ted. (Sorry, Ted.) The dating world is cruel, there
are sharks, crocodiles, other dangerous things that will eat you alive
without hesitation. So any form of weakness or even a tiny sign of uncertainty is not encouraged! I had to mentally and emotionally prepare myself of
the things that I wanted and whether or not I was ready for it. Which leads us to... the second to the last stage.
Tracy, the mother
(emotionally/mentally mature and ready phase) - You know how the mother
came to be the perfect woman for Ted? But before that, who was she? was
she always single? of course not. She also had her heartbroken when the
love of her life died. It took her a while to get back into the dating world. By the time she did, she was a woman of substance, one that you can't just mess around with because she knows what she wants. I could relate to her because we were both the kind of women who was too old for games and too smart for players. There were vultures who tried to take a stab but never succeeded, there were some good guys but there was no spark... And just when we thought that it's already impossible to find a guy who would be a good fit for us, impossible because that one guy we thought was the jackpot prize already passed, impossible because that one guy whom we thought was the only winning lottery ticket we'll ever have was gone and we're never gonna win again... fate proved us wrong and made us meet our Ted. It is true that when you're about to give up, that's when the miracle happens.
How I Met Your Mother has provided us with great stories of loyalty, friendship, some life lessons and a lot of laughs. We all laughed with the gang, got pissed, and cried with them too but of all the seasons that have come and gone... Season 9 is by far the most emotional of all the seasons that I've watched. Partly because I'm aware that I have to say goodbye to it very very soon. You can also feel that with every episode the creators have made, they've put a lot of effort and heart into it. I commend them for lasting almost a decade and for choosing a set of talented actors to play the characters. I wasn't impressed with their choice for the woman who'd play as The Mother, but eventually I had my "oops!" moment because she was charming after all. Most especially when I heard her sing La Vi En Rose. Oh my God! it was so beautiful that I couldn't help but cry. You could feel her emotion and wow that voice! (Heart eyes right here) Just watch the video I attached so you'll understand what I'm talking about.
Many people didn't like the ending, but in my opinion, it was quite impressive. It was the kind of ending that you somehow expect knowing Ted but still you hope it would never occur and yet it still does, kinda like what really happens in real life. I was hoping that he didn't end up with Robin because she doesn't deserve him but when it did happen, I kinda understand Ted too. It was an ending that's poetic, romantic and also tragic all at the same time. I still cry every time I replay the Finale. I loved it even if I don't agree with how things went. Oh wait... I still haven't mentioned the last stage, Marshall and Lily.
Marshall and Lily (All is right in the world because you're in love stage) - Marshall and Lily were undeniably the best couple ever. They had their ups and downs, they broke up and got back together but it was remarkable how they handled their problems and even when things went crappy for them, letting go of each other was never an option. Right after the moment I found my Ted, everything fell into the right places. Indeed, all was right in the world despite the inevitable problems or fights. He was my Ted and I may be his Tracy but together we are Marshall and Lily.
Marshall and Lily were meant for each other. I, on the other hand, I believe I am with the person whom I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. Though we never know for sure who's the person we're going to end up with and who THE ONE really is. We fall in love now and we badly want that person to be THE ONE forever. It's unpredictable but when it's right, you just know without really understanding what hit you, you make things work with that person no matter what because...
"when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it." -Ted Mosby
This is to the one and only love of my life.. Thank you for being my inspiration. I love you, Chris! ❤❤❤
The most difficult task to do when writing is to come up with a strong introduction that could catch your reader's attention and hold it to the very end of your piece. Writing is hard but that's not why I'm writing this blog.... wait. Why am I writing this blog anyway?
Oh yea.
I've spent some time thinking and it made me realize how much I have changed and grown over the years. I came to remember the mindless mistakes in the past to the wisest decisions that I've made in the present. It's both amusing and amazing at the same time, gathering a variation of reactions from "what the fuck was I thinking?" to "wow. did I really come up with that?". Nevertheless, I may have changed a lot, grown a bit and have gained emotional maturity... There are still some things about me that haven't really gone away... and I resent it.
My confidence is unstable. One day, I feel pretty and the next thing I know, I feel ugly again. You know how much that sucks? But I can easily fix that. What I resent the most about myself is that, I'm the jealous type. Sure, there's a certain level of jealousy where it's cute, but mine just isn't that even I am displeased with myself. Imagine that.
Let me explain where I am coming from. I am a woman, I fell in love and now I get jealous of my boyfriend's past lovers. It's useless and annoying, but you know that feeling when you're jealous because they had him first before you did? They loved him first and he had feelings for each of them for a certain period of time? Sometimes, I even wonder... he's such a great guy, why leave him? Why hurt him? Are they stupid or something? Did they think they were too good for him? Them ugly sluts! Pardon my french.
I'd like to think they're fat and ugly, but for some playful reason the universe showed me they weren't.There was one who was really pretty, then I wonder "how do I stack up to that? I look like dirty rug compared to her" but I would at least assume she's a hoe bag. I have not yet seen anyone ugly though, but what if he did date someone who wasn't physically attractive? I might flip and start to wonder what if he only dates unattractive girls? Am I unattractive? Jeez.There was a cute one, I was hoping she was dumb but she wasn't and she had a great personality. Honestly, most of them had things in common with me but I felt like they were being a better ME than I am.
What is wrong with me? Why do I keep comparing myself to them? It's long been over. These pointless apprehensions bother me a lot when it shouldn't....
I am not ugly, but I am not a beauty queen either. There is something special in me and heck, I'm a damn good lover! I love my boyfriend and maybe this, what I'm feeling is just a validation of how emotionally invested I am in the relationship. We've been together for a year and it doesn't make any sense and it's a total waste of to still keep obsessing over these silly things.
I know what to do and after this, I promise to become a better lover than ever.
This may not be the best entry I have written, but I just needed to get this off my chest. And I also wanna tell myself to stop this nonsense. JUST STOP.
Tick-tock goes the clock.... this madness needs to stop.
